Today, the day after the coldest temperature , -12, struck my quiet Lappeenranta, it was 2 degree when we got up and got ready for the 8:00 a.m class. It was so dark outside, the wind blew really hard like thousands of bullets slapping on your skin and your face. Two of us kept walking through the darkness and thanked God it was not freezing like yesterday. Class ended at 11 and then just one more class, we finish our week. I don’t know what to think, happiness? joy? no. Reason? No idea. 2 more weeks till Christmas.Excited? not really? what’s going on with me?
Last night sentence and what I saw this morning on Fb had dragged all my mood down, just so deep. It is true that social life, they can kill you softly. I saw some clips this noon. There was a question: When was the last time you had your meal with your beloved one? Maybe, 2 more years then I can have a meal with my mom, dad, family. 2 fucking long years. And then I suddenly I just broke into tears with those 2 clips.Home, they are in my heart, it was just there, I can’t express it that well and I can’t touch them with my own hands, can’t see them with my naked eyes, they just stay there, in my heart. Last time when I shredded my tears was in Australia, missing mom with “Mama”. All in all, I am still a pathetic little useless girl, aren’t I?. All the decisions were made by me, of course I did not regret of what I chose to do. I keep reminding myself, these 2 years will be the time for being alone, finding myself and growing all my thoughts.
I decided to withdraw from the push up challenge with my brothers and will just do it all by myself, I will squat, push up, run and read, all, just by myself.
Just not in the good mood for talking and just to be with my own self and not long for anyone’s sympathy, at all.